2015年6月26日星期五

 Milky way beyond the edge of Egypt's colossal Black and White desert 


Dear K,


At this moment I am clearing up things at my old apartment, and I somehow feel very sad. Yet about what, I cannot articulate. I've moved a few times in my life, at the age of 18, 22, 24, 25, 26 … Gosh, thank god that I have a home now. But still, I can foresee I will be moving to new places in the future. I may even have to live in this fashion throughout my life, given the nature of my job.


When I was young, moving seemed painless. Going to collage, graduating, working in ethnic Yunnan, studying in heavenly Hawaii, all these changes I embraced with excitement and hope. Since when is moving such a sad thing? All those sorting, discarding, packaging, re-using boxes - I need to travel multiple times back and forth for a lack of boxes, storing things in my new apartment and at the same time letting the furniture ventilate … that's too much for me to take in only a few days, especially when I am still working and have to deal with an uncooperative chief worker.


The physical labor is bad. The sentiment that comes with it is worse. Maybe it's a bad idea to start with the books. Over the years, I've thrown away many books when I move. All my college textbooks are gone. This time, I started to throw away books I hadn't yet read, or ones bought in my teen years, read once but unlikely to be touched again. Some of them were tough decisions. You know, throwing them away sort of feels like throwing away life. I had to give up some clothes too. There were ones I had brought to Egypt, never wore and brought back to China. I remember the days I did wear them. Those were a long time ago. They still look decent, but I've stopped wearing them. Maybe it's just the habit of picking newer things from the wardrobe.


All of a sudden, I felt so wasted. I started to reflect on my life. I can't seem to find anything meaningful, any thing I truly rejoiced in. And I lamented the passage of time. Gone with it, is my passion for life, appreciation for beauty, and all the people who I had laughed and sweat with. I miss Elaine and Christine. Although they are only a phone call away, but it's social etiquette not to call them just to say hello. I miss the days I could just walk across the hall to hang out with them, and some silly sitcom was enough to make us giggle away. I guess what truly I miss is a young heart. I feel life has leveled off for me.


I thought of you. All these years, you've been in my life. You have always shown me the strength and power of a young heart. When I said you are always a boy to me, I sincerely meant it. I recall you taught me that it's the small things that make life good, like a sniff on a flower, a delicious meal with loved ones, a walk around the lake, a little money to a street artist … Did you know till this day, I stop to smell flowers from time to time? I may look very strange to people passing by, but I thank you for showing me this simple way of appreciating life.


I started this email while cleaning out my cupboard at home. Now I am at a training academy in a northern suburb, where I am going to train for two days on news editing before returning to the moving business. It's a beautiful all-inclusive compound, cafeteria, garden, swimming pool. However, all of these seem so earthly to me. I guess I need you to be here, to smell a flower with me, to walk through the garden with me, to give me a reassuring hug and tell me everything will be just right.


Dear Ken, how did you feel when you packed up and moved to a new place. Did you also think of crazy things like I do?


Wish you were here,

L

----
Hi L,


You are a sensitive and nostalgic girl, so it is natural for you to feel a bit emotional, but you need to remember that change is the only constant in life, and we all have to accept it, but it is often difficult to embrace, especially as we age.


In addition to these points, you have entered the "real life" ~ you have responsibilities and need to deal with the hassles of life; working, paying bills and dealing with others, including dealing with people that may not be such nice people and some of those individuals may have power over us, which makes life not so joyful. Plus, you have had some issues with your new place that haven't always gone smoothly to add more stress to your life.


You are also missing the joy of youth and the freedom it gives you. When we are younger there are so many things to look forward to and at a younger age we have a positive and optimistic view of the future. As we get older and acquire more life experience, we are less positive and hopeful about the future.


I have moved so many times and one of the difficult things is planning what to keep and what to leave behind, but as we get older we pick up more and more things, which makes it that much more difficult to know what to give up and what to hang on to. Every time I move, I find I have more and more stuff to move. And it never gets easier !


I do thank you for your kind words, and I still believe it is the little things in life that make life enjoyable. I still stop to smell flowers and watch children or animals at play, and yeah, I still like a good meal with friends and I am a hiker so walking in a natural place is always a joy !


Focus on the little things in life that make you happy, and do your best to deal with the struggles of life, and I think you can phone your friends and send emails too ! ;-)


Take care and be happy,

K

2015年4月18日星期六

碎碎念 [Reflections off my chest]

北京不可置信的蓝天

在我最猝不及防的时候,K飙来了一封邮件,大意是我正在做春天的扫除,看见了你的那些维生素,请吧你的地址给我吧,我好把它们邮寄过去,要不然就浪费了。

我向来以为以邮寄的方式被扔回一段交情的残余,是一件极其侮辱人格的事。原本想不予理会,但K紧接着的另一封邮件似乎交代了他为什么会在这么长久的杳无音信后联系我:我是想跟你见面的,但恐怕我俩到时候都会不舒服吧。

我们俩又要见面了,这是我看到邮件后的第一想法,还是应该感谢老天爷,要不然,我真的可能失去K,在各种意义上都失去他。不过2015年春节许下的诺言,看来是要违背了。

此后,我们见了两次。两次都造成失眠,特别是第一次。真心怀疑当晚的咖啡是否真是低因。我很想high five自己把持住了自己,在K明显在计划一种失控的时候。我和他,似乎回到了一种自己长久以来就像达到的境地,真心的朋友,可以一起share很多事情,一起笑,一起闹,一起品尝各色美食,同时无边际得聊。也许,以后我们还可以一起用功和一起思考。想想,这其实是我对伴侣一种最理想化的遐想啊。Whatever。

最近的一些体会,包括这件事给我的启发,真正幸福的人是能很好管理自己的人,而这其中最重要的元素就是时间,其次是健康,包括身体和心灵的,以及intellectual。很多时候不是自己做不到,而是认为自己做不到,也看不到自己做到以后的结果。其实80%的时候,这都是不自信造成的假象,另外20%则是平时积累真心不够。问题总是一件件的认清,然后去解决。

最近发现,尽半年前发生的那件事仍然阴魂不散。而一些人出于阴暗的心理做出的一些事,只想借用华妃娘娘的话,“贱人就是矫情”。突然,我回到了那个十二岁的自己,那时也遇上过一些矫情人,在之后的三年乃至六年,我算是让“贱人”尝到了“payback is a b*tch”。也许这将会是adolescence all over again。

2015年3月3日星期二

Little things Mon & Dad did for me...

An art studio/shop on Montmartre, Paris.

1. First ever cream-top birthday cake with my name on it. It blew my mind. The Taste was to die for... I was six. Before that, I never saw or ate any birthday cakes at any of my friends' home. I didn't know such a thing existed. My Mom was kind of trailblazer.

2. The red light-air balloon tethered to the front of my Dad's bike. He was coming home from work, and I was playing with other kids in the neighborhood. So excited to see the dot of flaming red hanging over my Dad, approaching. It was one of those long hot but shiny summer days.

3. The thick compilation of abbreviated classic adventurous stories my Mon bought for me at a market stall. It got me interested in reading. Those were masterpieces adapted to children's capability. I felt closer to the sort of intellectual I always wanted to pull off.

4. When I got intoxicated in reading all kinds of children's monthly magazines, Mom was incredibly supportive. She had hopes, dreams and faith in me.

5. Mom encouraged me to reach for the stars when I decided to apply for graduate studies. "You aim for the best school. If you fail, you look for a job." I should've taken her advice. Though it was her instinct not rationality talking.

2015年2月28日星期六

Karma

西什库

不想用报应这个次,英文的Karma大概要中性一些。有时候想想,人类现存的宗教中,还是佛教最有智慧,虽然基督教应该算最积极。

其实所谓Karma也就是一种Balence或者是Payback吧。感觉自己的一生,以及母亲的一生其实都是实打实的印证。

母亲前半辈子傻呵呵稀里糊涂地过了,后半生总算是遭到了payback,从不去思考生活中人和事的点点滴滴,老天终将她所有的一切夺去,然后硬逼着她去学会、去面对她20年前就该明白的东西,Karma是残酷的。而自己呢,总在工作和生活上抱怨诸多的不如意,其实仔细想想自己又有过什么付出?

这几年来总想的问题时,到底要不要所谓有追求地生活?怎么过不都是一辈子?曾经一度很放纵自己,认为前20年那么单一的追求就是为了之后人生的平稳。现在想来也许这并不完全对,至少如果我选择继续待在技术岗位的话,还是需要平日做足很多功课的。

最近读了知乎编的一本书,书里不止一篇文章提到了台上一分钟台下十年功的真理,包括那些演讲家、知乎上NB的答案,以及一些自学牛人等,别人做得好你以为就是简单的有才而已,其实这不能再差,现成的实例就是奥巴马,这个擅长演讲的总统脱了稿有多少的磕磕巴巴。同样道理,XHS的大牛们,写的一篇好文章,成为业务骨干有多少不是厚积薄发的?很多人年年轻轻就很牛,不错,他们来自良好的家庭,可能一辈子都比自己平顺很多,但这其实更印证了“台上台下”的道理,别人是从小就开始积累啊,比自己可不早了20多年?

佛还说过,要有一颗平常心,接受自己和别人的不同,做好自己,回看自己的人生,没有悔恨是不可能的,但却要努力做到越活越聪明,要不然之前的路岂不白走了?Bon Jovi唱过,welcome to where you are,就是这个道理。


2015年2月15日星期日

今天,想他 [Still missing him]

在红海上临风飘扬,始终相信生命的壮阔。

早上,醒来,辗转反侧。思绪飘过那些冬日在一起的日子。每每想起K的时候,都是我和他在无风的阳光灿烂的冬日。

5年前的那个春节,那是第一次我在北京没有回家过年,我联系了K,怎么样,一起过年吧。我记得那个下午,我们在地铁站见了面,他问我,你好吗?我非常好,我答道,你好吗?他似乎有一些失意,叹了口气说,我还好。

接着我们出了地铁口,跨过天桥,走进了天坛公园。在N年前,那是我们第一次共同游玩的地点。也许当时我的内心是想找回些什么,可是就算什么都没有也好,因为只要简简单单、说说笑笑地和K度过一个节日的下午,我内心就会感觉无限的温暖和快乐。

正在冬日枯萎的玫瑰园里穿梭,K告诉我,他单身了,我想安慰他,拽紧拳头在他头发上摩擦,记得这是他祖母鼓励他时常常做的动作,是他曾教我的rub-in,我们又默默向前走了几步,他突然说,XL,我可以拥抱你吗?我已经记不清有多久我没有好好地拥抱你了。当然,我说。我内心深处想,K,无论生活给予我们什么样的际遇,我们会永远会是好朋友。

在一个长长用力的拥抱后,他松开我退身,突然又俯身上来,我再次张开双臂准备拥抱他,没想到的是,他给我的是一个吻。惊异中,我推开他,然后摇了摇头,这是我的本能。现在回想起来,那是我们之间最后的一个吻,意外的,轻轻的,淡淡的,dry,带来的是他嘴唇熟悉的感觉,那么软。

那天,好像是我几年来最快乐的一天,我们在天坛散完步后,又跨回天桥,在肯德基喝了咖啡,逛了楼上的虹桥市场,然后去三里屯吃了越南巴黎菜,在我最喜欢的越南餐厅muse。K曾说过,让生活美好的,其实都是一些小事物,比如他从地铁站为我买的一束花,又比如我两在懒觉后一起做早饭和咖啡。这个观点在生活有他时一点不差,但在没有他的世界,一切小事物都失去了光泽。

在后来的几个月中,K又联系了他的前任,这个在感情上永远象孩子似的人,似乎在耍一种手段,希望我和他的前任来争夺他。但至少在那时,我早已不想跟他再成为伴侣,我只是很喜欢和他做朋友。然后,我去了美国,再后来又去了埃及。在埃及时,K想跟我重修就好,他写信给我说,回来吧,我们一起旅行,我不能原谅他一些龌龊的行为,况且我当时也有所谓的男友,我回避了K,回国休假刻意不见他。不到一年前,我回国常住,K说好给我接风,却在抵达当天变卦,再没有比这更糟糕的风度了。我对自己说,够了,他早已不是那个爱我的K,而当初我爱的K其实也许是一个败类,只是没显现出来而已。再后来的一些争吵,让我们彻底断了联系。

可亲爱的,在这样一个时刻,我禁不住想起了5年前的那个冬日,那个春节。我永远爱你,至少永远爱那个曾经的你。我忍不住想给你电话说,怎么样,一起过年吧。

最终我压抑住了情绪,我对自己说,K,我一定会再见到你,跟你和解,给你祝福,因为我这一生是你教会了我爱,但不是今年,不是2015。在2015,我会找到一个爱我和我爱的人,然后和他执手。在那以后,我会找你,给你一个深深的拥抱,谢谢你,K。

2015年2月4日星期三

2015之戒 [Lust Caution]

特别想把一年之目标定的简约一点。如果一年就做一件事,似乎有一种坚定的意念在里面,简化了目标总是干净的,简化了的生活虽然单一,但也是静好的。

然而浑身上下审视自己,很多地方都想拿剪刀修剪,恨不能列出一箩筐的新年resolution,但那似乎也就不能称为resolution了吧。

也许改变自己也是不能急于求成的,温水泼到身上才是真正的醍醐,慢慢养成的好习惯才会切切实实、使一生受益,那么2015年,我的目标是:吃好、睡好、锻炼好、心情好——归依简单,追求实在的幸福。

2014年12月31日星期三

樊篱之外,我终于来了 [Out the fence, here I came]

今天是2014的最后一天。看着曾经的博客都长了草——实在忍受不了那层压抑的审核,于是在为看youtube翻墙后,我决定在樊篱之外重新开辟博客。

2014年,发生了太多,地点从国外到国内,写字从英文到中文……过去半个月间,发生了一些消极的事。对自己大声说:打起精神去承受,然后把它最大限度地转化成正能量。

2015年,找到世间万物的平衡——谨慎而潇洒,坚持而从容,追求而淡定……啪啪身上的尘土,拉上行李再度启程,所谓pick it up and dust it off。

曾经,这是我一部分足迹,现在看来,无限美好,向前的步伐不应该越来越迟疑,而应该越来越清醒……
曼谷 
开罗-尼罗河和远处的金字塔

皮皮岛

巴黎

多哈

苏格兰

剑桥

伦敦-白金汉宫外换岗仪式

巴塞罗那-古埃尔公园

Zaragozo-Fiesta del Pilar

开罗-狮身人面像

夏威夷-Pali Lookout

沙姆沙伊赫-红海潜水看珊瑚

纽约-帝国大厦俯瞰大苹果

越南-海上桂林下龙湾

马特鲁-奇迹之海

米兰

威尼斯

佛罗伦萨

梵蒂冈

罗马

鹿港

台南

太鲁阁

野柳

七星潭

台北

伊斯坦布尔

卡帕多奇亚

棉花堡

费特耶

香港